What We Really Need

Transcript

Welcome beautiful thinkers. 

I’d like to talk about the question of what we really need.

So I was on twitter and someone on twitter, I think her name there is among the wildflowers, she asked the question what do men really want?

Kind of a flipping of Freud’s deathbed words “What do women really want” and a lot of people had their answers and they said “land, guns, companionship, someone to appreciate them” all of these kinds of things. 

They are all true to a varying degree some are more broad in their truth than others.  I started to think about this question, of course its twitter so its 280 characters.

I said “I thought about this. I am probably more qualified than most to answer this question considering how much time I spend journaling and thinking about my motivations and the motivations of others. 

Even so I hesitate to answer.  Of course the more we think about or learn about something the more we realize the limitations of our own knowledge which is the other side of the cougar effect.

I know surely there is a place where I can find what men want.  Searching for nonviolent communication and came up with the website of The Center for Nonviolent Communication and they have on here a list of needs.  The needs inventory. 

I will leave the link in the show notes. This is a non exhaustive list but a wonderful list and if you imagine having these things, a lot of these evoke beautiful feelings. 

There are a few categories here: connection, physical well being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy, meaning. I will read all of these out, just imagine what its like to have these as I mention them.

Underconnection

Acceptance

Affection

Appreciation

Belonging

Cooperation

Communication

Closeness

Community

Companionship

Compassion

Consideration

Consistency

Empathy

Inclusion

Intimacy

Love

Mutuality

Nuturing

Respect

Self respect

Safety

Security

Stability

Support

To know and be known

To see and be seen 

To understand and be understood

To trust 

Warmth

Physical Wellbeing

Air

Food

These are great things, its great to have these things.

Movement or exercise. 

Rest or sleep

Sexual expression

Safety

Shelter

Touch

Water

Honesty

Authenticity

Integrity

That’s powerful I can imagine how it feels to be in the presence of people who have integrity. That last inch.

Imagine what it feels like to know that you have integrity.  

Presence

Play

Joy

Humor

Beauty

Communion

Ease 

Quality

Harmony 

Inspiration 

Its very interesting because I know a part of inspiration is having a certain amount of chaos.  Its funny because its under the category of peace which is true, its a paradox. Define peace in a sense we need an element of chaos. We need something unexpected to know that we have peace.

Autonomy:

Choice

Freedom

Independence

Space

Spontaneity

Again interplaying with those ideas of inspiration and order.  Just as we need order we need spontaneity. 

Sometimes these needs might seem contradictory.

Under meaning: 

Awareness

Celebration of life

Challenge

Clarity

Competence 

Consciousness

Contribution

Creativity

Discovery

Efficacy

Efficiveness

Growth

Hope

Learning

Mourning

Participation

Purpose

Self Expression

Stimulation

To Matter

To matter

That’s probably one of the most important ones.

Finally 

Understanding

These are all things we can ask for when we use nonviolent communications. You can use that formula. You can use the book or listen to Marshal Rosenburgs speeches on Spotify for example and yes, you can say to our companion, to our colleagues, what I would really like is clarity.

What I would really like is communication. What I really want is to understand and be understood.

Things we don’t say so often. Perhaps that’s part of the reason they are so powerful when we ask for what we really want for what we really need.