Episode 277

Autoexigence Solutions

Many times we might describe people as “being hard on themselves”. It’s not always just a temporary state; it can be a character trait called “autoexigence”.

Putting so many standards on ourselves, and punishing ourselves for not reaching them – even believing that we must reach every single rule before we can be happy – places near insurmountable barriers between us and the joy we seek.

The first step to recovery is to notice that you are putting pressure on yourself, and to notice the thought patterns that surround it. Many times the assumptions will have the words “should” or “must”. e.g. “I should be a better singer!” or “Everyone must have nothing but praise for me all the time!”

When we begin to notice these thoughts, we can start to see how unrealistic they are. Then we can even actively question them to see how well they stand up. For example, we can ask if the thought is objectively true, if it’s producing feelings we want to have, and what the benefits and costs of holding that belief are.

Another important note is that, in many cases, people maintain unhappy, self-punishing thought patterns because they believe it helps them be more successful. In some sense this is true – they do produce more than a lazy person. But they generally don’t produce as much as an even-minded and happy person.

The question is, what are the thoughts of a person who is both happy and productive?