Conditions for Happiness

Transcript

So just now about 20 minutes ago I was sitting in the Pheonix which is a restaurant on the edge of the asdasd here in Guadalajara and I’m there drinking an agua fresca with yerba buena or spearmint mixed into the water and just enjoying the environment.

Sitting there pleasantly reading my book, reading actually one of the finest books about psychotherapy I have read to date which is On Becoming a Person by Carl Rogers.

And I’m happy.

Now if I told you I’m in this beautiful city, this city where every time I walk around I stop just for a moment to feel grateful that I can live in a city like this.

I’m enjoying this quiet sunday afternoon and enjoying this delicious drink and reading one of the texts that gives me pleasure.

And you might think “Well, obviously you’re happy because the conditions are there.”

But if you dig into that just a little bit often you’ll find that’s not the case. If you imagine that you’re feeling unhappy and somebody says to you “You should feel happy, let me list all the reasons you should be happy or something like that.”

Normally that is not going to make you happy, in fact you might even get more frustrated.

In Tony Robbins book, I think it’s in Awaken the Giant Within. He talks about the conditions people set for happiness.

It turns out you can actually set your own conditions. This is what he says in the book and what I find to be true in my experience.

So a lot of people will have these very high standards. Like I have to be rich, financially comfortable. I have to be in good health. I have to have all of my family also be happy.

Which already… people have a lot longer list than that but already you can see it starts getting out of control. Once you start adding other people’s emotional states into the mix, it’s like you’re never going to reach that. You will never be happy!

A lot of people tell me that happiness is not a destination. It’s a means of transportation.

Or they say happiness is a byprodyct of living your life well, living successfully or living with purpose you might say and I think that is valid. That’s a way you can achieve happiness. It’s a valid path to happiness, a valid path to continue with happiness you might say.

I think there might actually be a better way.

So as I’m sitting there reading Carl Rogers, he’s describing and got the transcripts with one of his colleagues clients who he names Mrs. Oak.

She says “It’s funny you know sometimes I think about when somebody says to a child who’s crying. They say “Don’t cry” or “stand up, chin up, be a strong man.” You know the stereotype and Mrs. Oak think somehow this never seemed right to me.

If the child wants to cry, let him cry. Equally when a child just feels pleased with himself, not in an egocentric vain way, the child feels good about himself. Why not just let the child feel good?

And she goes on to say that actually she identifies with the child in that situation. She can just feel good. Rogers comes to the conclusion that happiness is the natural state for human beings.

I wrote months back and included this in one of the episodes saying how maybe happiness or maybe letting go of your worries is a hard thing. Maybe it’s not.

Maybe it’s actually one of the easiest things you’ve ever done, letting go of so many boats on Loi Krathong. I’m not sure if I explained that comment in the episode.

Loi Krathong is a festival in Thailand where people will build little boats especially out of bread and seeds so the birds can eat it it.

And they release it with a letter or note. They put it onto the lake and the river and they let it go.

I was thinking about how amazing that analogy is, thinking about things you let go. Actually on Loi Krathong they let go of their wishes.

Interesting. Who knows if their wishes will come true after that but in any case it’s no longer in their heads. You can let go of so many things. Let go of the conditions we put on ourselves to be healthy, be productive. Be one way or a model on a billboard, to be what our parents wanted us to be or what we hoped we could have been, would have been if we just let go.

And be as Rogers talks about so much, just be what we are. Often we will find that means being happy.

Thank you so much for listening, thank you for letting go of those things that are inhibiting your happiness.

It doesn’t mean you have to let go of ambitions or desire but you don’t have to hang your happiness on them either.

Have a wonderful day! I’ll speak to you soon.