Sorry is Power

Transcript

Lets talk about how sorry is power.

Many times we will be hesitant to make an apology partly because we are probably still stuck in the frame of mind where things happened that go us upset or got other people upset. Perhaps it’s because we don’t want to admit we are less than perfect. We don’t want to admit our behaviors could benefit from changing because that would mean giving up a part of our identity.

It also might be, because we have this perception that apologies are weak that the person who apologizes is giving something up. Its true we are giving something up when we apologize but that doesn’t mean its necessarily bad.

I mean of course there are people trying to take advantage and manipulate our behavior. If we are willing to apologize, that’s always a caveat or something to be aware of.

But a lot of the time we can reflect on it, when one is offended or tells us our behavior has affected them or changed their opinions of us. They no longer want to do certain things with us, or whatever it is that they are upset.

We can examine it for ourselves and think about the situation. We don’t need to apologize right away.

Perhaps, there’s always the possibility that we are in the right and have nothing to apologize for. But certainly we are fallable so sometimes we do absolutely have something to apologize for.

I was looking around for a different formula for apologizing on the web. There are a lot of them so I think I will research them more at a later date but there’s a formula here which goes something like:

I am sorry that I did, this. Talking about specific actions. I know I have received some half hearted apologies and probably given a few in the past. I am sorry that you saw me doing that. What?

Sorry that you saw me doing that? I am sorry that I did that. Those things are quite different and many people try to skirt the line and cut the corner to avoid that they actually did something wrong. Just sorry that someone saw you? That doesn’t quite cut it.

I am sorry I did that because….

And then give the reasons. It might be something you felt or what they felt. I can see that it made you upset or put you in a position where you got upset. I can see you got offended as a result of my actions. I feel sad about that which is another element you can talk about your own feelings so people can know the apology is heartfelt.

Of course this also comes through with the words, so its not that easy to fake. And then the commitment to change, in the future you say I will try to be more careful of my words, considerate of your beliefs and keep in mind what you really care to hear about in a conversation.

In this formula it says the fourth stage is asking for forgiveness which sometimes we forget to do that. Its like, many people have seen this. Its like they expect or feel entitled to have their apology accepted.

That’s not really how this works, if you’ve done wrong by someone you aren’t entitled to forgiveness or to have your apology accepted. That is why we ask.

The step not mentioned is actually following through on the terms of the apology. If you don’t follow through on the change this careful structure of the apology amounts to a form of manipulation.

So we always have to be careful about that. Like we see that people who commit to change actually do it. People who dont probably aren’t people we want to hang around with.

But yes, this is where the real power comes into it. If we can notice when something is wrong about our behavior, we exercise discernment and say “Yes this is correct, this person is telling me the truth and not just attempting to manipulate me. There is something wrong about my behavior.

Then we set out to correct it. Wow. Worlds open to us because we are willing to humble ourselves for the world. Examine our own actions and decide to set off in a different direction.

That means there are very few limits on personal development. Who knows what we might achieve when we tap into that concept that sorry is power.