Episode 388
What We Really Need
Marshall Rosenberg taught us that when we want something, when we have some deep unfulfilled need, we can simply ask for it, and make a suggestion on how that need might be fulfilled.
It’s just as well that Rosenberg and his legacy in the Center for Non Violent Communication started compiling an inventory of needs, because if you ask many people about their deepest desires, they probably won’t be able to tell you.
Reading through the inventory of needs, we might soon discover that our beings are a little more complex than we had thought. Imagining what it feels like to have authenticity, trust, and to be understood, we might quickly find deeper levels of fulfillment previously unknown.
Hosts & Guests
Kurt Robinson
Transcript
Welcome beautiful thinkers.
I’d like to talk about the question of what we really need.
So I was on twitter and someone on twitter, I think her name there is among the wildflowers, she asked the question what do men really want?
Kind of a flipping of Freud’s deathbed words “What do women really want” and a lot of people had their answers and they said “land, guns, companionship, someone to appreciate them” all of these kinds of things.
They are all true to a varying degree some are more broad in their truth than others. I started to think about this question, of course its twitter so its 280 characters.
I said “I thought about this. I am probably more qualified than most to answer this question considering how much time I spend journaling and thinking about my motivations and the motivations of others.
Even so I hesitate to answer. Of course the more we think about or learn about something the more we realize the limitations of our own knowledge which is the other side of the cougar effect.
I know surely there is a place where I can find what men want. Searching for nonviolent communication and came up with the website of The Center for Nonviolent Communication and they have on here a list of needs. The needs inventory.
I will leave the link in the show notes. This is a non exhaustive list but a wonderful list and if you imagine having these things, a lot of these evoke beautiful feelings.
There are a few categories here: connection, physical well being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy, meaning. I will read all of these out, just imagine what its like to have these as I mention them.
Underconnection
Acceptance
Affection
Appreciation
Belonging
Cooperation
Communication
Closeness
Community
Companionship
Compassion
Consideration
Consistency
Empathy
Inclusion
Intimacy
Love
Mutuality
Nuturing
Respect
Self respect
Safety
Security
Stability
Support
To know and be known
To see and be seen
To understand and be understood
To trust
Warmth
Physical Wellbeing
Air
Food
These are great things, its great to have these things.
Movement or exercise.
Rest or sleep
Sexual expression
Safety
Shelter
Touch
Water
Honesty
Authenticity
Integrity
That’s powerful I can imagine how it feels to be in the presence of people who have integrity. That last inch.
Imagine what it feels like to know that you have integrity.
Presence
Play
Joy
Humor
Beauty
Communion
Ease
Quality
Harmony
Inspiration
Its very interesting because I know a part of inspiration is having a certain amount of chaos. Its funny because its under the category of peace which is true, its a paradox. Define peace in a sense we need an element of chaos. We need something unexpected to know that we have peace.
Autonomy:
Choice
Freedom
Independence
Space
Spontaneity
Again interplaying with those ideas of inspiration and order. Just as we need order we need spontaneity.
Sometimes these needs might seem contradictory.
Under meaning:
Awareness
Celebration of life
Challenge
Clarity
Competence
Consciousness
Contribution
Creativity
Discovery
Efficacy
Efficiveness
Growth
Hope
Learning
Mourning
Participation
Purpose
Self Expression
Stimulation
To Matter
To matter
That’s probably one of the most important ones.
Finally
Understanding
These are all things we can ask for when we use nonviolent communications. You can use that formula. You can use the book or listen to Marshal Rosenburgs speeches on Spotify for example and yes, you can say to our companion, to our colleagues, what I would really like is clarity.
What I would really like is communication. What I really want is to understand and be understood.
Things we don’t say so often. Perhaps that’s part of the reason they are so powerful when we ask for what we really want for what we really need.
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